Conflict Isn’t the Problem; Avoidance Is

Walk into any workplace with low turnover, high engagement, and a thriving culture, and you might expect to find total harmony. But that’s rarely the case.

Some of the most effective, inclusive, and resilient teams don’t avoid conflict at all; they engage it. Productively. Respectfully. Early.

Because here’s the truth, most organizations miss: conflict is not the problem. Avoidance is.

Avoidance is what creates culture drift. It’s what silences feedback. It’s what turns minor misunderstandings into deep divides. And while inclusion efforts have made significant progress in focusing on fairness, representation, and belonging, they often overlook one key leadership skill that determines whether those values can thrive: conflict facilitation.

At The Norfus Firm, we coach leaders across industries, roles, and identities. If there’s one consistent pattern, it’s this: organizations get into trouble not because there’s conflict, but because no one knows how to recognize, name, and navigate it before it escalates.

Let’s talk about what that really looks like and how leaders can do it better.

Inclusion Isn’t Always Comfortable and that’s Okay

One of the biggest myths in workplace culture is that inclusion = harmony.

However, real inclusion means welcoming diverse lived experiences, values, and communication styles. And difference inherently brings tension.

Healthy teams don’t avoid that tension. They use it. They say:

• “I see it differently, and here’s why.”
• “That language doesn’t land well for me.”
• “Let’s push on this a little more.”

These are not signs of dysfunction. They are signs of psychological safety if they’re allowed to exist.

The problem is that many organizations, especially those that prioritize “niceness,” treat disagreement like disruption. Leaders tell people to keep things “professional” or encourage folks to “take it offline,” without actually addressing the core issue. That doesn’t solve tension, it buries it. And buried conflict always finds a way to resurface.

The High Cost of Avoidance

Let’s be clear: conflict avoidance is not neutral.

It shows up as:

• The team member who stops offering ideas because their pushback was ignored.
• The manager who avoids difficult conversations until HR gets involved.
• The employee resource group that burns out because no one addresses the power dynamics undermining their impact.
• The leader who keeps quiet in meetings, then vents privately undermining trust from both sides.

Avoidance erodes credibility. It creates shadow cultures. And it disproportionately impacts historically marginalized employees, who are often left to carry the emotional labor of navigating unspoken tension without support.

In our podcast What’s the DEIL?, we talk about this often: the conflict before the conflict, that early sense of misalignment that leaders sense but choose not to name. In one episode, we explored how a leader’s silence about a biased comment wasn’t interpreted as neutrality, it was experienced as complicity.

What Healthy Conflict Looks Like

Let’s redefine the terms.

Unhealthy conflict is personal, vague, unresolved. It involves blame, shame, and ambiguity.

Healthy conflict is specific, focused, timely. It centers on behavior, not identity. It creates clarity, not confusion.

Here’s what it can sound like:

• “When you spoke over Sam in the meeting, it seemed dismissive. Can we talk about how we make space for everyone’s input?”
• “I know we disagree on this approach. Can we walk through the pros and cons together instead of defaulting to silence?”
• “It feels like there’s something unsaid between us. I’d rather name it than let it fester.”

These are learnable skills. But they don’t come naturally without intention, structure, and support.

Silence Isn’t Civility—It’s a Signal

Inclusion work often emphasizes listening, but rarely teaches leaders how to notice the difference between respectful silence and resigned silence.

Let’s break that down.

When leaders can’t tell the difference, or choose not to explore it, they reinforce the very inequities their values claim to oppose.

So, how can you tell when silence is the red flag?

Look for:

• A drop in engagement from specific individuals or teams
• Passive agreement in meetings, followed by off-line dissent
• One or two voices dominate discussions
• ERG members stepping down with no apparent reason
• Employees of color saying “it’s fine” when their energy suggests otherwise

Silence is rarely the absence of conflict. More often, it’s the result of conflict that employees don’t feel safe or supported enough to voice.

A Framework for Navigating Workplace Conflict

At The Norfus Firm, we train leaders to recognize and facilitate conflict early before it becomes a crisis. Here’s a simple 5-step model we use in coaching and training:

1. Notice

Pay attention to body language, tone, and changes in energy. What’s not being said? Who’s not speaking up?

2. Name

If you sense tension, acknowledge it. “I’m noticing some hesitation here: do we want to pause and talk through it?” Naming tension gives others permission to engage honestly.

3. Normalize

Reinforcing that disagreement is part of collaboration. “Different perspectives are valuable here, we don’t have to agree to be productive.”

4. Navigate

Use open-ended questions and feedback structures. “Can you share more about how that landed for you?” or “What would a better outcome look like to you?”

5. Nurture

Follow up. Conflict resolution isn’t a one-time event. Make space for continued dialogue and model how to repair relationships with accountability.

Coaching: The Conflict Skill Multiplier

Coaching is one of the most underutilized tools for building conflict fluency in leaders.

Why? Because coaching teaches:

• How to ask questions instead of giving orders
• How to hold discomfort without rushing to resolution
• How to hold space for someone’s experience without defensiveness

When we coach leaders, especially mid-level managers, we don’t just teach them how to handle formal complaints; we teach them how to de-escalate tension early. To ask, “What might be contributing to this dynamic?” instead of jumping to blame.

The result? Fewer performance issues, fewer escalations to HR, more trust across teams.

From Conflict-Averse to Conflict-Ready

During a recent culture assessment with a nonprofit client, we heard the phrase “stay in your lane” repeatedly. On the surface, it sounded like a call for focus, but in reality, it masked a pattern of avoiding tough conversations. When people felt dismissed or told their input wasn’t needed, many started to withdraw or stop sharing feedback altogether. The result? Talented staff felt diminished and isolated, and important issues went unresolved.

But when people were finally allowed to name these challenges out loud, something shifted. One leader said, “Sometimes it feels like our expertise isn’t trusted, and there isn’t space for real dialogue.” Simply acknowledging the tension opened the door to more honest, productive conversations.

The lesson: It’s not conflict that breaks trust—it’s avoidance. Addressing issues directly is the first step to building an inclusive, resilient culture where everyone’s voice matters.

Final Thoughts: Inclusion Can’t Survive in Avoidance

We can’t claim to build inclusive, equitable cultures if we don’t also build cultures where conflict is welcome, handled with care, and viewed as a signal, not a failure.

Avoidance protects power, not people. And silence isn’t safe, it’s often a cry for help.

At The Norfus Firm, we don’t train leaders to be conflict-averse. We train them to be conflict-ready and to lead with presence, ask the hard questions, and hold the space when things get uncomfortable.

Because culture isn’t built in the quiet moments: it’s revealed in how we respond when voices are raised, tensions rise, and values are tested.

Want to learn how to lead through conflict?

At The Norfus Firm, we help organizations lead courageously through conflict and come to effective resolutions for all parties. If you’ve been looking for a partner to help you lead conflict resolution discussions, hit us up. 

1. Schedule a consultation with our team today.
2. Check out our podcast, What’s the DEIL? on Apple or YouTube
3. Follow Natalie Norfus on LinkedIn and Shanté Gordon on LinkedIn for more insights.

Let’s build teams where conflict creates clarity, not chaos.